Horror-scopes

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October 2013! 

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) – You will be tested time and time again this month. Every single person around you will let you down and offer a small mea culpa leaving you disoriented and uncertain of anyone’s true intentions. The waitress at your favorite restaurant adds some extra items to you bill, but gives you a free drink when you point out the mistake. Your friend at work tells everyone you’re the scoundrel who has been stealing people’s Lean Cuisines out of the community refrigerator. He laughs it off as a joke and encourages you to get him back. As the weeks continue along like this, your good will gradually erodes and you become distrustful of everyone you know. In grave need of a change, you may agree to go to a Halloween party with a few neighbors you’ve never socialized with before. This likely isn’t the best idea. The rumblings of the universe are the source of your problems and hastily ditching your friends for the unknown won’t solve anything. If you do go, the new group won’t tell you until later that they’ll be going as the cast from the Wizard of Oz and need you to be the scarecrow. Feeling miserably foolish and uncomfortable with your nose painted black and straw stuffed in your clothes, you trudge along with the new crew. Climbing stairs to the third floor, you can already hear the music throbbing. You begin to think this wasn’t such a good idea. Inside, the air is thick with smoke & lights are pulsing from every corner. A guy wearing a trench coat is on a DJ platform periodically throwing the coat open to reveal nothing underneath; a flasher, great. After an hour that felt like ten, your Dorothy-costumed friend races into the room screaming “the Tin Man has jumped!!!” Her false lashes are askew and mascara is streaming down her face. Apparently, your costume compadre got into a drug-fueled fight and leapt from the window thinking he could fly. Eager to have a reason to leave, you run down the stairs to check on him. The police arrive, and seeing the Tin Man in a heap on the pavement with you standing over him, demand to know what happened. He mumbles only “scarecrow.” The police look pointedly at Dorothy and the Cowardly Lion who say nothing. In spite of your protests, you’re handcuffed and led to the police car leaving a trail of straw. Between hiccupped sobs, Dorothy promises they’ll try to get this sorted out at some point.


Gemini (May 21 - June 20) – Let’s face it, Gemini. You’re two faced by nature. You’re no stranger to hearing that it’s as if you have a split personality. You’ve managed to use this to your advantage for most of your life…always knowing what to say and spinning things in your favor. I’m afraid that Pluto will confront you in a big way this month creating an impasse which both of your personalities will not get by. Demanding and pushy, this planetary block will have you functioning at your worst in every situation. At first, your relationship will fail, you’ll struggle at work, and you’ll insult and alienate the people you depend on most. As time passes, your thoughts will become more wicked and revolting. It is apparent that your darker side has prevailed leaving you with few redeeming qualities. There is hope, but it won’t be simple. At the end of the month, as the new moon moves into Libra, you must appeal to the moon to drag Pluto from your planetary path. On October 30, you must be prepared with the following: A respected shaman, both feet from a white chicken and a black chicken, and a dimwitted Gemini who you have deemed to be your exact opposite (he or she, will of course, be affected by Pluto in a similar, but opposite way.) You will meet at a beach at 11:00 p.m. and the shaman will instruct the other Gemini to place a left chicken foot in each pocket and begin walking. Carrying the right chicken feet, you will follow ten paces behind carefully stepping in his or her imprints in the sand. You will repeat: “Footprints in the sands of time; Ocean aid me in this rhyme; I demand my evil side die, and reside in my fellow Gemini.” When it appears that Pluto has budged, the Shaman will purify the space between you with sage preventing the evil from seeping back toward you. Just beware, you have created a demonic Gemini composed of pure evil who will have an axe to grind with you…if he or she is capable of understanding what you have done.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – An old lady down the street from you likes to hand out strange and unwanted Halloween “treats.” After several decades, she's definitely developed quite the reputation for doling out baked goods that are downright bizarre. Last year, though, when she distributed an apple raisin bread pudding mixed with cat hair and moth balls, she went way too far. That question is: Did she do it by accident or were her actions premeditated? Perhaps she wanted to get back at you and your other neighbors. After all, you've all been ignoring her and haven't offered to shovel her driveway or mow her front yard in a long, long time. Then again, it's possible she's become too forgetful and feeble – she meant no harm at all. Alas, on Halloween night – somehow, some way - she's going to cross your path and ask you if you'd like some of her “goodies.” You'll be polite and say, “why yes, I'd love to have some,” and she'll open a metal tin that's filled with candies. You'll looked down at them and notice that they're absolutely beautiful and seem to be magically shimmering and sparkling. Strangely enough, without a second thought, you'll take one of them and immediately toss it into your mouth. Surprise, surprise! It will taste pretty good! You'll thank her and head on home. Once you get home, however, you'll really be hit by something: an intense craving for more! It won't dawn on you until you enter your kitchen, but that piece of candy was truly amazing – you've never tasted anything like it. The next day, predictably, you'll go back for another piece of perfection. But this time, she won't offer you “sweets for her sweet” for nothing. There will be strings attached. Strings that require hard work and physical labor. Her bedroom walls need to be painted. The cellar stairs need to repaired and reinforced. Leaks in the attic and crawl spaces need caulking. Before long, the tasks your assigned will become weirder and increasingly difficult. But you'll do them, all right. You'll do them and like doing them. Your addiction will be insuppressible and you'll need to feed it with those curious confections. So, maybe it's best not to be so polite with folks this month. Just say no. You know how you are – once you get hooked on something, you just can't help yourself...


Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Please be extremely careful when it comes to selecting the proper Halloween costume for yourself this year. It's strongly advised that you pick a costume that you won't be ashamed of in the future. In other words, choose a costume that has positive connotations. For instance, it's recommended that you consider dressing up as a brave firefighter, a fearless Arctic explorer, an erudite professor (obsessed with the Baltic Sea Anomaly), or a benevolent nurse. Stay away from dressing up as Frankenstein's monster, hobos, gigantic killer rabbits, psychotic butchers or anything thing of that ilk. According to the alignment of the stars this October, it's quite likely the Leo will be greatly influenced by the costume he or she decides to don on or around the thirty-first. Whatever you do, do not pretend to be the worst beasts and fiends imaginable: Chad Kroeger – the lead singer of Nickelback – or Naomi Campbell. It's been foreseen that those who choose to dress up as Chad Kroeger will begin to feel the effects of that decision almost immediately. You'll begin to rhyme every other word you speak, groom your facial hair like a complete idiot, and sing extremely bad sexual (and aggressive) lyrics about women. For those who go the Naomi Campbell route, it's inevitable that you'll begin making poor dating/relationship choices, assaulting others with your cell phone, losing your luggage frequently, and spitting on police officers. Remember: these effects will be permanent. Do not take these recommendations lightly.


Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – It's time to stand up to your partner. Unless, of course, you want something like this to happen to you: Your husband, wife, or significant other is going to organize a large Halloween party this October. This party will occur at your house. Although it wasn't your idea – you don't even want to have a party – you will be told to organize, as some like to say, “the whole kit and caboodle.” You'll prepare the food, buy the best beverages possible, and decorate the front yard. One hour before the party, however, you'll get into an argument over the placement of an animated, light-up scare-crow. You will argue that it's best to place it in the coat closet. Your “loved” one will insist that it should stand behind the shower curtain in the bathroom. Clearly, you will lose this debate. The terrible part, though, is that not only will you be defeated and insulted, but you will also be told to relocate to the crawl space for the entire night. YOU WILL MISS THE VERY PARTY THAT YOU WORKED SO HARD FOR, YOU FOOL!. Accordingly, you will become insanely jealous of the merry-making going on in your house during your uncomfortable stay in the crawl space. There will be hooting, hollering, singing, and ecstatic cries of joy. Eventually, however, you'll begin to crawl around and explore “every nook and cranny,” as some like to say. Before long, you'll discover a small doorway. You'll do your best to get through, and, after awhile, you'll make it to the other side. All you'll see in front of you will be a never-ending hallway with never-ending doors on either side. Foolishly, your curiosity will get the better of you and you'll begin to peek beyond doors that should never be opened...Doors that will release entities, organisms, and creatures that should never be liberated. You'll run back to the door the leads to the crawl space, but you won't be able to fit through it. You'll be stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck. You'll think to yourself, “well this is fitting, isn't it?


Libra (September 23 - October 22) – There's a decent chance you're going to be the guest of honor at an extraordinary All Hallow's Eve gathering this October. Yes, you heard that right: you're finally going to be truly wanted, not just mercifully included by your frenemies and not-so-acquaintances. The problem, however, will be the nature of the crowd that has chosen to accept you. Unfortunately, the beings who desire your presence this Halloween aren't going to be the sort of folks with which you normally like to mingle – not by a long shot. Your evening will begin like many other evenings that end particularly dreadfully: slowly and uneventfully. First, you'll spend a little too much time adjusting your cliché and unimaginative costume (you'll either dress up as a cat, Harry Potter, an inappropriate policeman/nurse/teacher, a vampire, or a Playboy Bunny). Then, once you get yourself “all gussied up,” you'll meet your “friends” and start to hop from one boring “soiree” to the next. Towards the end of the night, though, as you make your way to the last party, you'll “accidentally” become separated from your duplicitous entourage. One poor navigational choice will lead to another, and, sooner than later, you'll wind up standing in front of a dilapidated house – a home that's been rightfully repossessed by nature's patient vines and weeds. Although the place won't look fit to inhabit, you'll notice people must be inside due to the candlelight peeking past the edges of the drawn shades. You'll say to your drunken self “I guess this must be the party,” and, in mere seconds, you'll open the front door and happen upon a most peculiar collection of party-goers: eleven cursed and corpse-like souls who look eerily similar to your dead, vengeful ancestors. Without notice, they'll quickly and silently pounce upon you, knock you out, and carry you off into the night. When you regain consciousness, the first thing you'll see will be animal bones as they fly through the air and land in a hill-top bonfire. Suddenly, in a frightening fury, a fiendish looking Jack-o'-lantern carriage will appear in front of you. The gigantic coach driver, a Mr. Crom Cruach - the bloody crooked one – will slowly step down from the driver's seat, pat his four jet-black horses, and make his way over to your battered body. Yes, you've probably figured it out by now: You're number twelve, and you know what will happen next. It's truly a shame Crom Cruach likes to throw humans, not bones, into massive bonfires. Perhaps you can avoid this whole predicament: Stop relying on others too much, and, for Pete's sake, watch where you're going.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) – It will all come to a head for the Scorpio on Saturday, October 26^th, the night of the last quarter moon. Starting on the first of October there will be a substantial increase in the amount of spiders in your home. Grass spiders, Ant Mimic spiders, Wood Louse spiders, Bold Jumper spiders, Dark Fishing spiders – you name it – all of them will be scurrying about, dashing under cabinets, hiding behind armoires, and squatting in your favorite shoes. There's no doubt they'll be lurking in your basement, your garage, your kitchen, and your attic. You probably won't be able to catch them in action, but they'll definitely surround you while you sleep, crawl into your mouth, and lay eggs inside of your body. It won't be until the eighteenth or so when the inexplicable arrival of spiders will be coupled with unexplainable, chilling whispers. Yes, you heard correctly: a breathy voice, a voice that could easily pass as male or female, will begin to speak into your right ear. What the androgynous voice will tell you will not be clear, however, as the eerie messages will be barely audible and, seemingly, unintelligible. By Saturday the twenty-sixth, you will be at your wit's end. By then, the mumble murmur mystery will have turned you into a sad, uptight, angry, and paranoid soul. Who is trying to speak to you??? Why can't he, she, or it enunciate, communicate clearly, and use a normal tone of voice??? After hearing one too many enigmatic and undecipherable disclosures, you'll scream “Who are you? What do you want? Why are you so god-damned annoying?” This time, you'll receive a response. That hoarse, gravelly voice will say the following: “Why don't you meet me in the tool shed and find out, you dumb-piece-of-shit.” Whether you have a tool shed or not, you'll look out the window and notice a stone path that leads straight to a rickety looking shack with a structurally unsound roof. Since you like to confront your demons, you'll go out the back door and head straight to it. Big mistake. You'll open the door, enter the shanty, and see nothing but a window in the corner with a perfect view of the moon. You'll move towards it and see a spider's web stretched over a pane of glass, illuminated by a pale blue light. You'll look closer at it. You'll think to yourself “there's the web, but where's the spider?” That's when you'll feel the touch. An icy touch from behind. You'll look down to see what's grabbed you, but you'll be too late. All you'll see will be blood running down your pants, pooling on the floor. And then that voice will gently whisper into your left ear: “My name is Ghost Fingers. That's all you need to know.”


Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) – This October you are going to be mistaken for someone else quite frequently. Starting at the beginning of the month, people are going to confront you and say that they “saw you creeping around downtown,” “picking your nose at a cemetery,” and “wearing a cape, walking a skinny rat-like dog.” One person will even claim to have seen you “blaring 'Rock You Like A Hurricane' while sitting in a van at an abandoned Arby's parking lot and eating a roast beef sandwich.” You'll be a little annoyed - to say the least. You need your freedom, and even though it wasn't you, you don't like the idea of people watching your movements from afar. You'll tell these folks that the person they saw was definitely someone else. But some will be oddly insistent – even after you provide an alibi and explain that you were somewhere else at the time. Alas, the situation will only get worse as the month progresses. More and more friends and acquaintances will report to you about your strange behavior. You'll refute all accusations repeatedly, but your denials will make you look just-plain-guilty in the eyes of the finger-pointers. People who misunderstand and misquote Hamlet will enjoy saying “Methinks the lady doth protest too much” each time they cross paths with you. Understandably, you'll be more than irritated and totally frustrated. Your blood pressure will rise, your temper will go from short to non-existent, and you'll stop eating and sleeping. By the seventeenth or so, accounts of your activities will indicate that who ever you've been mistaken with has gone from being weird to acting totally bizarre, evil, and violent. People will ask why you were “peeping through windows with a flashlight under your chin” and if you really did place a dead munchkin cat - dressed in one of Balki Bartokomous' traditional Mypos outfits – on someone's front door. Then, on Sunday, October the 20^th, during the Orionid Meteor Shower, you'll decide to go to Ghost Fingers World (or a similar Halloween themed adventure park) with two or three of the few friends you have left. Finally, you'll have a great time and you'll be able to “forget all your troubles, forget all your cares.” Just before you decide to go home, though, you'll decide to go on the haunted Ghost Fingers hayride. Zombies will follow you, vampires will appear from behind dark corners, and werewolves will howl in your face. But towards the end of the ride, an individual carrying a chainsaw and dressed up as Spongebob Squarepants, will pull you and your friends off of the back of the wagon. To your astonishment, Spongebob will quickly chainsaw your friends into halves. He'll then turn to you, remove his mask, and you'll encounter a familiar face. Who would have guessed the last person you'd see on this earth would be an exact replica of yourself – your evil, formerly unknown, twin.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) – Towards the end of October you are going to go for a pleasant walk through the woods with one of your good friends. You'll feel rejuvenated as the watchful birch, the powerful oak, and the mystical maple, accompany you on your peaceful stroll and share their beautiful selection of red, orange, yellow, and brown leaves. At some point during your saunter, though, this tranquil and serene atmosphere will be interrupted when both of you hear a fragile voice calling for help. The two of you will search for the source of the feeble cry, but will find nothing – except for a large, solitary, burnt tree trunk. You'll take a close look at the dead, torched tree and discover that an expressionless, yet nightmarish face has been carved into the blackened wood. You'll raise your arm towards the evil visage and extend your pointer finger towards it, but, just before you touch it, your friend will urge you to reconsider making contact. You'll say “don't be such a ninny,” and promptly place your entire palm on top of the nauseating noggin. “See,” you'll say, “nothing happened.” But, later that night, the two of you will part ways and you'll find out otherwise. As you're standing at your door, you'll reach into your pocket for your house key, fumble with it, and drop it to the ground. You'll bend over, pick it up, stand up straight, and encounter a sinister specter's reflection in the window: The Tumshie. You'll recognize the face instantly: a decayed turnip-lantern-head with slits for eyes and no nose. The only difference will be the teeth – long, jagged, and sharp fangs that hunger for the taste of human flesh. The chase starts. As you run, you'll hear the word Tumshie and the pounding of a large bass drum over and over in your head. You'll go from house to house, frantically seeking shelter, but to no avail. No one in town will answer your pleas for help. Could it be possible that nobody in your neighborhood is home? The Tumshie, however, will be there for you. The Tumshie will be there for you all night, right on your heels, and ready to slowly munch on your body as your heart still feverishly beats. Let's hope you're able to outrun your new most-dependable companion. Should you make it to dawn and see the sunrise you just might survive. If not, you're most certainly doomed. A couple words of advice: listen to your friends this month, get yourself into tip-top running shape, and try to connect with your neighbors and community. You never know when you'll need a helping hand.


Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) – Do not partake in any Halloween festivities on Friday the eighteenth, the night of the Full Hunter's Moon. Should you choose to do so, you'll find yourself stalking some unusual prey: apples. True, that doesn't sound so bad, but you've never really liked bobbing for anything, and apples aren't any different. Accordingly, you'll do your darnedest to avoid having anything to do with any unhygienic-forbidden-fruit-water-play. Nevertheless, teams will form quickly and you won't be able to leave the room before being “picked.” One woman, in particular, will really twist your arm and use peer pressure against you. She'll taunt you and say you're “a yellow-bellied-dandy-elitist” who doesn't want to get “wet and wild” with some “locally farmed Macouns and McIntosh apples.” Ultimately, you'll give in – after all, Aquarius is Latin for Water Bearer – and perform quite well for your oddly competitive bobbing team. When the contest is over and you stand victorious, your apple nemesis will come over to you and apologize for underestimating you. She'll then hand you one of the apples you so swiftly plucked from the cold, but surprisingly refreshing water. “I'm sorry,” she'll say, “bobbing for apples turns me into a real asshole. Here's the winning apple you so expertly removed from that chilly, saliva-infused, H20.” She'll then add, “By the way, legend has it that if you place the winning apple under your pillow, you'll have prophetic dreams that may reveal a future lover.” Although you'll detest this woman and her use of the word “lover,” you'll take the apple home with you. Right before you go to sleep – even though it's childish and unlike you - you'll remember to grab the apple and place it under your pillow. You'll have one second thought and think to yourself, “Wait, why am I following that lunatic's instructions?” but you'll proceed regardless. When you wake up in the morning, you won't recollect having any dreams at all – never mind the dream “legend” suggested. Instead, you'll lift up your pillow and discover that the apple beneath it underwent quite the change over night: it will be rotten, mushy, filled with black holes and a horrifying worm. You'll instantly take your pillow and carefully brush the apple to the floor without touching it with your hand. You'll get up from bed and immediately cleanse yourself in the bathroom. But, as you begin to wash your face, you'll feel that something isn't quite right. You'll straighten up, gaze into the mirror, and discover that your face reflects the condition of the apple: rotten, mushy, filled with black holes and a horrifying worm. Hmmm...Who was that woman, anyway? Did she trick you with simple reverse psychology? Clearly, it's best to stick to your guns this October. Stay away from stupid party pastimes. Stick to parlour games like Tiddlywinks, and please, don't be so gullible.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20) – The fact that Uranus will be at opposition on Thursday, October third will motivate you to experience fall at its fullest and visit an apple orchard. You'll arrive at Ghost Fingers Orchard (or a similar orchard) early in the afternoon and discover that it's a bit different compared to the orchards you've seen in the past. It won't be busy at all – only the owners will be there – and the passageways, land, and trees will go on for what seems like forever. Much to your delight, the apple trees will be densely packed together in rows and will form a haphazard maze of sorts. Before long, you'll wander into an older part of the orchard that intermingles with a curious, forgotten, and neglected cemetery. You'll look around at what remains of the headstones, statues, mausoleums, and obelisks, but you'll soon decide to head back due to an uneasy feeling that's difficult, if not impossible, to explain. As you transition from the cemetery area to the main part of the orchard, you will happen upon a stone wall and a squeeze stile. Right when you make your way through the stile, you will experience a psychic episode that will include images of a winged insect, a steep hill, and a bridge. Weeks will go by and you'll slowly forget about your vision, but it will endure, shelved in the deep recesses of your mind. But late one night, towards the end of October, you'll find yourself in your bed-time clothes, walking up a tree-lined path. Although noctambulism has never been a serious issue for you, it will appear that you've done quite a bit of sleepwalking. That's when you'll see it – a person walking atop a bridge, unaware of a beastly creature following her. Whatever is behind this bridge-walker will gain ground fast and give you the feeling it's not there to help. Rather, its intent seems to be to dispose of her with a swift push into the deep, dark river that lazily meanders sixty yards beneath her feet. You'll attempt to scream and warn her, but your yells will be jammed, or thwarted, by a bizarre clicking sound that emanates from above you. That's when you'll look up and see a colossal winged monster staring down at you, its enormous red eyes boring a hole into your heart.